‘In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,
In the bleak midwinter, long ago.
Our God, heaven cannot hold him, nor earth sustain;
Heaven and earth shall flee away when he comes to reign.
In the bleak midwinter a stable place sufficed
The Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.
Angels and archangels may have gathered there,
Cherubim and seraphim thronged the air;
But his mother only, in her maiden bliss,
Worshipped the beloved with a kiss.
What can I give him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;
If I were a wise man, I would do my part;
Yet what can I give him: give my heart.’
"In the Bleak Midwinter"
Winter has arrived, which of course in my sentimental mind summons lyrics such as this for Christmas will soon be upon us, but there is another force at work right now that also recalls these now obscure lyrics. I am learning day by day, often a slow and poor student, that man was made for one purpose and that to love and be loved. The whole of modern culture, at least in the West, seems to say that this is not so, that love of self and self alone is the ultimate Good, yet we strive towards this goal with all our being and come away cold and empty. I have often wondered at the antipathy towards Christmas by some in American culture when there is very little such angst over Easter (the more important Christian holiday) or any other day of celebration or reflection. Could it be, that of all the holidays, this one that invokes the spirit of generosity, blessing, and togetherness (that is, love) even in the most unbelieving of hearts, inspires even with its least reminder unspeakable bitterness and anger in certain souls afflicted with either great hurt or that think themselves so far above such frivolousness yet in their deepest hearts truly yearn for such peace and hate the very thought of such perceived weakness that they rebel against it with all their being? I do not know, but I think it similar to the hurt a childless woman, who desperately wanting children, feels upon hearing that a friend or relative is expecting or upon sight of a happy new mother. It is a time for rejoicing yet she feels such pain at her own loss that her feelings are sometimes quite the opposite of what they should be. But this is not the subject of these ramblings (if subject there be), but rather just one example of a possible symptom of this strange epidemic that afflicts every beating heart.
Since nearly the beginning, man has been rebellious and seeking after his own affairs, rather than the purpose for which he was made. It was this self-love that got him kicked out of paradise and it has only been downhill from there. We hear much of the ‘self-made man’ and the ‘independent woman,’ and other such nonsense in the modern West, but none of us are an island and we all are very much dependent on one another and if we are willing to admit it, the Providence of God, for there is not a breath we take that is not of His bidding. What I love about this little hymn is that it expresses God’s love to erring humanity, even in the depths of our darkest and bitterest night, which a dismal night in winter portrays beautifully. He steps out of Heaven into our miserable world of suffering and death and bids us enter His glorious Kingdom. Here is the King of Heaven, a babe in a cattle stall adored by the poorest of peasant girls! And who says the fairy tales are not true? This is God’s gift of eternal love which many reject, yet there are mortal loves as well which we would also deny for many perceive love of almost every sort as sheer weakness.
The only exception is a sort of romantic love which our society has idealized and worships, yet never achieves for it cannot be in our fallen world, worse this ideal shipwrecks many relationships when we realize the beloved is not perfect and the answer to all our happiness. I speak rather of the Love that Paul immortalized with, "love is patient, love is kind…" That is, love that seeks the best for the beloved rather than that which is easy, painless, efficient, or self-serving. This is the love we must have for each and every person, which is an impossible thought to comprehend, but it is the Love of Christ and how He bids us to live and which can only be accomplished through Him. Yet even in our closest relationships we have much difficulty practicing this precept. Our entire culture is against us. Such was the home I grew up in. Feelings of any kind were considered a weakness. There were no words of encouragement, only criticism for nothing was ever good enough. Pain and fear must be overcome by sheer strength of will, and it can be done if one is strong enough. The result was an abyss of incredible pain, self-doubt and hatred, and difficulty attaching emotionally to others, all covered over with a shiny and thin veneer of seeming happiness and emotional stability. I was a mess and did not know it. My family did not go to church, but saw that I was deposited at the door every Sunday, mostly to get me out of the way for a time as well as to feel that they had done their social duty of giving me a religious education.
It was a small church, did not grow much during my time there, had no fancy programs or world class preaching, but they had something I did not understand, something I wanted, thus did I continue to go even after my family ceased to see it as necessary. Looking back, some of these people were not the most intelligent people of my acquaintance, but they were the most sincere. They loved me, a nameless child amongst many. They accepted and encouraged me, they did not overlook me in the busyness of life. They introduced me to the God who inspires such countercultural behavior. That was my first taste and I wanted more, but had no idea of how to go about it. Thankfully God is not idle in such matters and provided what was needed to feed a starving soul. The years passed and it took a very long time to chip away at the emotional armor warding the deep parts of my heart, but eventually a breech was made, but the invasion did not begin until this completely unlooked for and undesired man walked into my life. I was still cold towards others and the world in general, thinking I had to look out for myself, trusting no one for it could only mean more pain. I did not have time for worthless guys who would only take advantage of me nor did I think myself good enough for a real relationship; I was incapable of being loved. I was content with my small vision of God but thankfully He was not content therein. In waltzed a man who turned my entire view of life on its head and began my reeducation in the affairs of God and men and the ways of the heart.
I was going to be a career woman and that would be enough, though I had watched others pursue this track and come away empty and bitter after years of hard work and dedication; it was not enough though they had given everything they possessed to their careers. Okay, fine, I can maybe handle a husband and still be a career woman, or so I thought. A few years passed and God continued to gnaw away at my emotional baggage until I felt pretty well healed and quite wise in the ways of the world. Then He had to throw motherhood into the mix, which woke other dragons that now had to be wrestled into submission. Finally, I am perfect and fully wise! A paragon of modern womanhood: a precisely balanced mix of work and family…but not so fast! What do you mean I have no job and am moving halfway across the country!?! I am now to be trapped at home with a small child while my husband earns a living? What is the he 1950’s? But with submission comes contentment, joy, and peace. I never dreamed of having anything but a career, never thought of finding love and acceptance and purpose from my fellow humans, but thankfully I continue to be very wrong! Thus continues my education in the ways and means of love. What it is to give and also to receive it. I must let go of my preconceptions, of the things I think I want and desire and need, and rather take that which I truly need and therein find peace.
This is a weird adventure, one I never thought to have, but whatever comes of my strange wanderings, they can never compare to those of that Heavenly Adventurer who strayed into mortal lands and rescued a perishing people. I will never save the world from itself, but perhaps there is one small, quivering soul, lonely and rejected that I can touch in some small way, like those quirky church ladies of my own youth. Why is it our hearts fight against that which we need most? Why do we demand, like sleep deprived toddlers, that our way is the only way? But thankfully God is patient and kind above all else, and leads us like the clueless sheep we are, deeper into His love and grace, as much as we are willing. Each person’s journey is different, but His purpose for each life is the same: to teach us to Love Him and one another. We can, like Paul, kick against the goads, or we can, also like Paul, submit to the call that is ever there and go submissively but boldly in the direction that is wisest and best, though certainly not the easiest or the most approved by those about us. My family thought I was nuts to marry the man I did, to become a mother even with a promising career, and now to leave my career behind to pursue God’s calling on my husband’s life (and my own). But the world thought the same of Noah and of Christ, what would have come of us all if they had said, ‘no?’ I do not understand it, I cannot see very far ahead, but I have learned that it is wisest and the least painful to willingly go whither I am led. I still do not know much about love, but that is the whole point of this journey called life and I will follow its strange and twisting path where so ever it winds, knowing that an even better story begins at its end. Finally admitting that I am but a clueless sheep and fully dependent for life and well-being upon an all-wise Shepherd.
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