If the nineties were cool, our current cultural atmosphere seems to be ruled by equal parts fear and anger. We're all afraid to say the wrong thing and make someone else angry which in turn makes us angry...world without end. I ran across this article about a new book addressing this very problem and I hope it will help people see the world we've created for ourselves and that each of us will do what we can to resolve it. It has nothing to do with fixing someone else or changing someone else's viewpoint, rather, as the book urges, we must each look at ourselves and ask, 'how am I contributing to the problem and what can I do to change that?' I think that's what the whole problem boils down to: we're all angry about something, blaming 'it' for our current disappointments and frustrations in life, somehow thinking that if 'it' was resolved to our liking or had been different, life would be far better. So we hop on the internet and complain about 'it' hither and yon, until we've plastered our comments all over cyberspace from the trendiest site to the most obscure blog, while we may feel a sort of satisfaction, grim and cold as that may be, we really haven't done anything to resolve the actual problem and we're still miserable, so we complain some more.
What is this dreadful 'it' that has ruined so many lives? It varies dramatically between individuals. For my sister-in-law, she thinks the current presidential administration is the key to solving her problems and anyone who thinks otherwise is held in utmost contempt (like us). For the insecure mothers among us, it could be diapers or breastfeeding or vaccines or organic or whatever, somehow feeling that shaming and bitterly criticizing how other parents do things somehow justifies your own parenting choices. For my father it was his parents, they never gave him enough money or did X or Y that would have made his life better. For some it is 'saving the planet,' and those of us who don't live in tiny houses or walk everywhere are little better than Hitler. For others it is food: pick your trendy diet or avoid certain ingredients or only eat things from a certain source and all other ways of eating are completely unethical and amoral. It can be anything, absolutely anything you are or aren't from race, gender, neighborhood, religion, money, politics, a rock band, a TV show or movie, family of origin, favorite color or pizza topping...anything that serves as the great excuse as to why your life isn't what you want it to be. Anything you use to belittle or judge or criticize others to elevate your own value or blame for your current less than ideal circumstances is 'it.' And everybody has one or more lurking under the bed or in the back closet, just waiting to leap out at an opportune moment.
But the truth is life isn't great or ideal, ever, for anybody. It doesn't matter who you are, what you do, what you have (or don't), where you live, or what you like, life is hard, period. Just look at celebrity culture if you think money or fame or success is going to make you happy: addictions, broken relationships, ruined lives, misery... Sure, you can spend your whole life blaming your parents or the divorce or the adoption or your education (or lack thereof) or an addiction or some group of 'other' people that make it impossible for you to accomplish your dreams, but does that actually help you? No, all it might accomplish is making others afraid or angry or discouraged when we lash out at them in frustration at our own wretchedness. It isn't their fault, so let's leave 'them' out of the argument for a moment. All this negativity does nothing but add to the seething mass of hatred and uncertainty already drowning our world and only furthers our own misery. What can we do then?
Instead of lashing out against 'them,' let's turn inward and focus on ourselves for a moment. Why are you angry, frustrated, discontent, or bitter? Stop, falling back on 'it' as your go-to excuse won't resolve anything. Dig past the obvious and get down deep, into the very knot in your soul. It's tender, it hurts, that's why we instinctively lash out at others when they get too close, like an injured dog snapping at anyone who gets too near the wounded leg, even if they are trying to help. Gently, gently, no judgement, no shame, just dig, dig, dig, and it may take a while. We tend to bury it deep, shroud it in darkness and mist and obscurity, so much so we don't even know it's an issue. We've all been hurt, we all carry some secret sorrow or shame, but we're all so busy pointing fingers that we don't understand we're all wounded and should be helping one another heal instead of wounding each other further. What is it? Bring it out into the light in all its ugly glory and let it go. No, not forget it, acknowledge it but no longer let it hold sway over all your thoughts and actions. Begin to heal, far easier said than done, but it is possible. But it takes work, patience, and honesty. Be gentle with yourself, and with everyone else too, they hurt just as much, they just don't realize it.
And someday, no matter how much it hurts now or in the interim, you will find Joy again. Need some encouragement? Go read Jane Eyre or Anne of Green Gables or Mansfield Park or Les Miserables or Lord of the Rings, wherein the main characters face external circumstances that range from the uncomfortable to the horrific, yet each understands, though often through much personal struggle, that it is who we are and the strength of our character that determines our happiness rather than our history or lot in life. Bashing others over the head won't make us happy, it only makes them miserable too, so instead, let's bash our own secret sorrows, disappointments, injustices, and shortcomings over the head with all the vim we once used to scathe our 'enemies.'
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