Bought with a price

I think the Narcissists in my life must have made a New Year's resolution to double down on their activities of late.  To most people this would be annoying or irksome, but having been raised by one, I'm still wired to torment myself in hopes of making them happy, to tying myself into knots hoping to please them.  It doesn't work, it never has.  My mother could no more love me than I can hitchhike to the moon, I can't blame myself for that, it isn't my fault, I have no control over it whatsoever.  So I know all that in my head, but how do you get it hammered into your heart?  Practice I guess, I just need to make a conscious choice to do it over and over again until it's habit.  Isn't there just an app to reprogram my brain or something?

Then I ran across this article which, though mostly unrelated, the title 'You are not your own,' got me to thinking about this whole issue.  Who do we belong to?  The Narcissists would say they own me, and act like they do, no matter how unrelated or distant they still think they should be running my life and get rather testy when I prove otherwise.  American culture would say obviously my body, my life, but that's ridiculous.  I just fell down the stairs this morning, I had no control over anything, it was all gravity and I was just along for the ride.  Sure I can dye my hair or diet or exercise but I have no control over anything really, I'll get cancer or not or my muscles will grow or not without any ability of my own to control that.  So who really owns me?  Who built the house?  Who maintains it?  Who paid for it?

I've rented my entire life, and while I can be quite at home in a rental, it isn't my house.  I can't paint the walls or rip out the carpet without the owner's consent.  Why is it so hard to think that way about myself?  Most people wrestle with giving up their own sense of ownership, I struggle with getting other people's fingers off of my soul.  'You are not your own,' means 'you aren't theirs either!'  Yay!  All these people who KNOW how my life should be lived, the way it MUST be done, are no more correct than anyone who says 'I will live this way because that's what FEELS good.'  The hard part is figuring out the proper way to live, we silly humans tend to fall off one side or the other; now how do I learn to keep to the middle of the road?