Did you ever get a blessing you weren't quite sure what to do with or even sure if it was a blessing at all? I tend to be a far too practical person, if it doesn't have a use or a place, it is gone; I do most of my shopping at the thrift store and gape at the price of new socks. This being said, I've recently had to reevaluate my strict practicality. I have china, I admit it, we registered for it when we got married, because that was what you did back then, and some impractical people actually bought us some. I try to use it on occasion, just for fun, but it really doesn't see the light of day much, happily I have cupboard space enough that it can lurk forgotten most of the time, but part of me wonders why we have it, why so much money was 'wasted' on it to begin with. Then my grandmother decided to complete the set as our christmas gift (yes, it is April and we just got it in the mail, don't ask!), which now forces me to reevaluate my old thinking patterns. Why am I so reluctant to receive the gift that is given?
It is not that I want something else instead, I usually can't think of anything I want or need when asked for gift ideas. Why does everything have to be useful or practical? Why do I have such a fear of things that are pretty or nice or something other than a necessity? Why can't I spend a little money on a nice sweater rather than having apoplexy that it didn't cost a buck at the thrift store? Deep down, it is the attitude I have been fighting my entire life: I'm a worthless loser that doesn't deserve to live, let alone own anything nice. And that's the attitude God is trying to root out of my heart and replace with the idea that I am valuable, so valuable that He'd die for me! It is quite a contradiction, this idea that nobody wants me yet my acknowledgement that Someone made the ultimate sacrifice for my sake.
My attitude is certainly countercultural, most Americans love their stuff and feel that everyone ought to adore them just because they exist, yet neither is it the attitude I was meant to have. It is not humility but rather self-abhorrence inculcated by a lifetime of abuse and neglect. If I ever loved anything, it was taken away and given to the favored sibling or just gotten rid of or used against me; I learned very quickly not to become attached to anything and that I was undeserving of even the barest necessities, I still have a sock I stole from my sister in 1989 and have been wearing ever since. And you wonder why I balk at the idea of owning china.
But I was not made for poverty or abuse or neglect, I'm an adopted daughter of the One who made the Universe and everything beyond it; I'm a co-heir with Christ! It is unfortunate that my young life was so vacant and starved of everything that makes life bearable, but that is not my future. This is not prosperity gospel, I am not saying follow Him and you'll get stuff, rather I am saying that I cannot look at myself (or any other soul) and say, 'you are worthless and undeserving of even the smallest pittance.' It is that attitude I must root out of my soul, that I might be willing to accept the blessings that are given to me with a grateful heart, even if I don't really understand them at the time. And that's a gift far greater than even the nicest dishes.
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